...

28 days sober...

I stopped drinking alcohol on October 6th, finally. I want to say that I feel a million times better, but I do not. Facing myself is not easy and no matter what I do, my brain will avoid it at all costs.

I saw a psychiatrist, who told me I am depressed (what a shock) and put me on Lexapro. I wish to live in a world where my parents believed in mental health disorders and actually started this process when I was a teen. I do not feel better.

I haven't written a song since I've been sober and I don't know how to feel about that. So much of my life has just been passing time, "Waiting Around to Die". I want to experience, but what? I barely ever feel real, so detatched from the earth around me, blurry and out of focus. Normally I'd say I'm rotting, but I'm really not. I'm doing everything right. Sober, medicated, going outside, talking to people. Nothing changes, everything stays the same always. I meld into the floorboards slowly drifting into the earth until I cease to exist. My skin hurts and my heart beats too fast. New angles appear on new parts of my body. Nothing changes.

I will never be soothed.